


im always grateful for you who came to me (i miss you)

by elixurkecob



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Letters, M/M, Nostalgia, at this time i still havent written it, based off of spring snow, congrats though i didnt cry writing this!, i think, idk if this is gonna have a happy ending or not lets hope i remember to add that tag when im done, im bullshitting okay bye im writing now, like i feel bad for kevin, oh yes all that good angst shit, okay woo hoo i remembered, this is actually really fucking sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28413342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elixurkecob/pseuds/elixurkecob
Summary: in which kevin writes a letter to jacob, who opened up his heart to something called love but soon left him when the job was done.
Relationships: Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin
Kudos: 10





	im always grateful for you who came to me (i miss you)

**Author's Note:**

> this is the ifrst time ive attempted heavy angst so this is probably really bad im sorry. also i rate everything teen and up or higher because i dont know how much im going to swear okay yeah enjoy

_as if the world has stopped, there wasnt any warmth. the heart is dry and frozen, i believed that it was everything._

kevins hands shook as he wrote this letter, his usually neat writing turning to something sloppy with pent up emotions. he would be lying if he were to say he despised jacob, he had shown him what all was left to the world, and although if he were to die right now it wouldnt be happily, all that was left was the feeling of getting over someone you had loved and cherished, held close to your heart. because for the time that they were together, that was what jacob was to him, everything.

_if i look at your eyes, i bloom inside you. hands that hold each other at the end of the cold winter, you whos waiting for me._

kevin shouldve known that in this letter, it wouldnt take long for him to feel nostalgic, reminisce about what they had for a short while. it was just the beginning of spring when they had found each other, snow still yet to melt and tree branches still bare. he would do anything to go back to that time, to see him smile even in the cold once again.

_it seeps through even deeper day by day, we become each others source of warmth. you melt me as if youre a miracle._

kevin knew better. he knew better, he knew that jacob _was_ a miracle for him, finally thawing his cold heart and becoming his fire in the winter. he had hoped that at some point in time, he was the same for jacob, albeit him always being the burning sun as he himself was the moon orbiting around him.

_every time i walk without you, my winter is beyond time. now i meet you whos like spring._

even for such a brief period of time, jacob had been his spring, the person that he waited for whenever his days were cold so he could be happy once again. he loved him, yes, but along with everything else about love, the older had yet to teach him what letting go was.

_through the time, my season thats filled with you goes beyond time. we'll always be together, at the end of winter, you approach me._

this, this was what kevin hoped for. kevin wished for jacob to be his forever, his everlasting spring for as long as one another lived. yet he knew that he couldnt have all that he wished for, no matter how often he longed and yearned for such a thing.

_i thought that it wouldnt affect me, the warm air that i thought about, always waiting for me even at the end. the white world melts, the withered petals ripen into blue, breathing white while letting out a scent._

even towards the end of what they had, jacob had always waited for kevin, waited for him to be ready, waited for him to feel alright, he waited for everything. he had shown him that even in the coldest, darkest days, there would still be blooming flowers to calm you and make you happy after they faded away. perhaps, kevin thought to himself, jacob was such the flowers, and though the petals had fallen off, withered to be a dark and unpleasant color on the ground, he could find someone who could make him feel the same at the end of these grey and gloomy days.

_everything changed after meeting you; the time when it was cold- as if it was decided- towards me._

jacob had melted the ice that encased his world, and when he could finally see the beauty of life, everything had changed. kevin felt warmth, comfort, safety, and albeit all of that leaving, he believed that he could now break such ice himself if he just found someone who could make him happy as jacob had.

_you approach with a warm smile and embrace me, spring that that im experiencing for the first time._

jacob was a lot of firsts for kevin: his first dance, his first kiss, his first love, and the first person who had made him happy. there wasnt much else he could say, his mind fogging with all he had lost as he tried to think of more.

_with different memories in the same place, we look at the sky surrounding us. snowflakes fall towards me_

maybe this was bittersweet, bitter in the way that kevin had lost who was everything to him, yet sweet in the way that he had changed his world, changed the way the sky felt whenever his brightened, even with the grey as it snowed in the winter.

_every time i walk without you, my winter is beyond time. now i meet you whos like spring, one by one, i fill up with you._

once again, in this letter, kevin would remind him of how he was cold without him, hoping he wouldnt take it to heart. he was full of him, his mind in a daze to where he didnt know where everything started to go wrong. he regretted whatever he had done, yet he wouldnt write that just yet.

_through the time, my season thats filled with you goes beyond time. we'll always be together, at the end of winter, you approach me._

well, at the very least, they would always be together in kevins heart, in kevins dreams. he was once again voicing what he wished for, though knowing that not all dreams would be able to be fulfilled.

_the long winter has passed, come to me with the spring of yours. melt me and look at me with your eyes, and i hope our season doesnt change._

maybe kevin was tearing up as he wrote this, and that much was visible in the way that some words were barely visible with the way the dewdrops from his eyes fell past his chin and onto the paper below him. it only made him cry more, he had ruined the letter, his last connection before he truly tried to let jacob go. and he wanted him back, he wanted him back, he wanted him back, so bad.

_im always grateful for you who came to me._

it was at this part- the last word of the sentence becoming messier than the rest- where kevin truly broke down. jacob had shown him everything, opened his eyes to what true love felt like, and then left him to deal with it by himself. was it something kevin had done? he had no clue, but he wouldnt be able to hold him close, to hear his voice, to laugh with him, ever again. and even though he had lost him forever, he was still happy that he had the chance to have him in his life, because for the time they relied on one another, he made him believe that everything was okay, that there would be something waiting for him at the end of every dark path.

kevin didnt want to lose him, this much he knew as he curled into himself, bringing his face away from the paper so he didnt destroy it any more than he already had, tears streaming down his face until he had no more left to cry. was this his fault? he would apologize, maybe in one last letter, maybe at the end of this one, but he still had more words on his mind, speaking them with a shaky voice as he messily wrote them down onto the paper before him,

 _even if the moment of you and me passes by-_ but it already had, he was already gone- _even in those lonely moments-_ maybe jacob had found another person to show everything to, he couldnt be left alone with such a sweet soul- _its fine now, as its no longer cold._

in this letter, kevin was pretending to be okay, pretending like the two of them were just a part of life just as taking his first steps were, something easy to move on from. but he wasnt okay, no, he was a mess without jacob, and he wanted him back. it was cold without him.

_gently, the spring snow kisses. when i open my eyes, its filled with you._

kevin wondered how jacob was doing right now, if he was smiling like he used to with him, laughing so brightly the sun couldve lost its job right then and there. he wondered if he felt tattered dow, torn apart, his heart ripped out of his chest, just as he felt himself. he hoped that he was okay.

_in my winter, you approach me._

kevin thought that he would be done, but no, he wasnt, he really wasnt.

_dear jacob,  
its a little late for me to sign your name now, to greet you now, isnt it? i hope that thats fine with you, as this wasnt meant to be too formal. i understand that youve moved on from me, and before i try to do the same with you, these are the words that i want to say. i know this isnt a proper farewell, as i am unable to speak them to you myself, but its better than nothing, right?_

_you were my spring, you were my everything, but i suppose that i must let you go. you showed me the world, what it was like to love someone dearly and cherish someone. but you also showed me heartbreak, what losing someone was like. thank you for showing me what i had not yet experienced, it really does mean a lot, even if i cry because of the pain you have left with me._

_i hope youre doing fine, i hope youre happy, no matter if youve found someone who could be to you what you used to be to me. i hope you can, because you were my sun in the darkest of my times, you deserve the world._

_if this bothers you, i apologize. dont feel obligated to write back to me, i know it must be hard to know what you should say. please, do not think this is youre fault, youre an angel. it is only i who we should blame, for depending on you too much, blinded by love to wonder what i was doing wrong._

_and if i did do something wrong, i apologize for whatever it was. i shouldnt have hurt you, and albeit me missing you, i understand if you would not like to come back. with this, i finally bid you farewell, although i will always hope we can meet again in the next life and blossom a love unable to wither away._

_yours truly  
kevin moon._

_i miss you._

**Author's Note:**

> damn i uh,,,,, hi? why did you read this?? im sorry?? but yeah leave kudos and comments those make me happy if u wanna ahaha i sound really sleep deprived but im not i promise


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